The Noticing Practice (Aug 12, 2022)
Things I notice. An incomplete list. Free-written. Unedited.
Hi again, friends.
My body hurts.
My heart is full.
My eyes are tired.
I am transitioning.
“I don’t know how open I want to be with you all.”
But that’s a lie. I do, I do, I do.
I’m just so fucking tired of my own self-judgement.
I know how fucking open I want to be. I’ve known forever.
But (and) I value me. I value feeling safe with me.
And I notice, humbly, where & how I can still be (gently) pushed off-kilter.
I notice, humbly, where I give others — external factors — power over me.
I notice. I sit with it. I forgive.
This is what’s alive for me: I find it so hard to be misunderstood.
I don’t find it hard to be self-expressed. But maybe that’s a lie.
Because I definitely [still] find it hard to live in a world of other people’s responses to that [sometimes].
We are but mirrors. These endless reflections. We need role models, guides. I feel I sometimes find it hard to find them.